Debates

Oscar:  What’s a debate MacIntosh?

MacIntosh: That’s what you catch de fish with.

Oscar:  Really?

MacIntosh:  No not really.  I was joking.

Oscar:  Oh. I is glad you told me cuz I didn’t know it was a joke.

MacIntosh:  Why not?

Oscar: Cuz it wasn’t funny MacIntosh.

MacIntosh: Touche.

Oscar:  What is it then?

MacIntosh:   That’s when humans argue with each other in front of an audience that is hoping the guy from the other side will projectile vomit on camera.

Oscar:  Yikes.

MacIntosh:  Why do you ask?

Oscar:  Cuz Mom and Dad was watching one on the TV.  There was a lady and a man and sometimes they was screaming at the camera.

MacIntosh:  Yeah.

Oscar:  Then Dad starting screaming at the TV.

MacIntosh:  Oh boy.

Oscar:  Then Mom started screaming at the TV.

MacIntosh: Then what.

Oscar: Then Mom turned it off on-account-of it was negative space and she was ‘fraid Dad was gonna have a heart attack or somethin’.

MacIntosh:  Any projectile vomiting?

Oscar: Nopes.

MacIntosh:  Too bad.  Were Mom and Dad OK?

Oscar: Yep.  Dad meditated, or medicated or somethin’ like that.  Mom lit this sage brush thing and let it cover the TV with smoke.

MacIntosh:  Smudging.  It gets rid of evil spirits.

Oscar:  This stuff got rid of everybodies.  Me and Fergus pretended we had to whiz sos we could go outside.

MacIntosh:  Smart.  Any more debates coming up.

Oscar:  Only ifs Dad goes de-fishing.

 

 

 

Fergus Interviews For A Job

Oscar:  I is so happy to see you.

MacIntosh:  Who is the little guy there?

Oscar:  (sigh) That’s Fergus.  Dad ands me founds him at the airport.

MacIntosh:  Was he lost?

Oscar:  Nope.  He was holding a sign that said “ Puppy.  Real pain in the ass.  Needs home.”

MacIntosh:  That’s not very nice Oscar.  So what’s your story Fergus?

Fergus:  I was born into a poor family in Hamilton and I started out as one very wild puppy.

Oscar:  End story.  Now he wants to be parts of our writings team.

MacIntosh:  So you caused some havoc eh?

Fergus:  Yep.  Bite, bite, bite.  Bit my litter mates, bit the hand that feeds me, bit the teat that feeds me.

Oscar:  Yikes.

Fergus:  But that changed the day I found Jesus.

MacIntosh:  Where was he?

Fergus:  In the bathroom.

Oscar:  Was he in there taking a Fergus?

MacIntosh:  Geeze Oscar…take it easy.

Fergus:  He was not looking so good, let me tell you.  I thought he was dead.

Oscar:  So what’s did you do?

Fergus:  I licked him and he got completely better.

MacIntosh:  Arose to the occasion did he?

Fergus:  Yep.  I was his salvation.

Oscar:  How dids you know it was Jesus?

Fergus:  Previous life.  Back then I was known as Joseph.

Oscar:  Was you a Westie?

Fergus:  Nope.  I had a coat of many colors.

MacIntosh:  Did you build the pyramids?

Fergus:  Nope.  The pyramids were built by aliens.

Oscar:  Yeah MacIntosh.  Everybody knows.

MacIntosh:  So you changed after the bathroom episode?

Fergus:  Yep.  I quit biting.  I studied all the time.  I was offered a full scholarship at Westie Point but decided to become a…lawyer….no a doctor.  Oh yeah…I became a neurosurgeon.  That’s the ticket.

Oscar:  You is lyin’.  You is still biting.

MacIntosh:  He’s not lying Oscar.  He’s doing a Ben Carson imitation.

Oscar:  He’s is?

Fergus.  Yep.  Pretty cool, huh?

MacIntosh:  Pretty cool.  So you want to be part of the team?

Fergus:  I do.  What does Oscar think?

Oscar:  Pizza.  I thinks about pizza.

MacIntosh:  You’re in.

Oscar Talks With The Mexicans

MacIntosh:  Today we are on the border near Nogales and Oscar is meeting with Mexican dignitaries.  We have translators to help us communicate.  The event is just getting started.

Oscar:  Welcome to America.

Mexican: Mira, es un perro que habla (Look, it’s a talking dog)

Oscar:  Whats did he say?

Translator:  He said  “thank you.  Glad to be here.”

Oscar:  I knows you must be confused by our immigration policies.  We is the only country that will kills you if you try to get in…but reward you with a nice job if you makes it.

Mexican:  No puedo creer mis propios ojos. Está loco (Its crazy…I can’t believe my own eyes.)

Translator:  He says “yes, it is very confusing”

Oscar: That’s like building a big fence and then leaving a bunch of fresh pizza on the other side of the fence.  Who can resist pizza?

Mexican: Tiene que ser un robot. Tal vez su Disneyland (It must be one of those robots from Disneyland)

Translator:  Yes.  We just want to work and feed our families.  If you don’t need our help…don’t hire us.

Oscar:  Zactly.  The reason we don’t arrest illegal employers is because our employers really need your help.  Whats we need is a visiting workers program.

Mexican: O tal vez es un holograma.  (Maybe it’s a hologram)

Translator:  We would welcome a program where we can come to work legally.

Oscar:  Is you sure that’s whats he said?

Translator:  Absolutely.  Holograma means ‘working legally’?

Oscar:  I gets it.

Oscar:  My workers program would mean you are treated like our own workers.  Buts you will have the sames responsibility to pay taxes and be a good citizen.  We is trying to Make America Nice Again.

Mexican:  No puedo esperar a mi esposa sobre esto.  (I can’t wait to tell my wife about this talking dog)

Oscar:  It also means we would arrest and fine employers that continue to hire illegally.  So if you is not given a permit you is out of luck.

Mexican:  Quiero ver más de cerca, pero la patrulla fronteriza se me disparan.  (I want to look closer but the Border Patrol will shoot me)

Translator:  We just want to work hard and be treated with dignity.

Oscar:  I can see from the look of amazement on yours face that you can barely believe there was such a simple solution to the immigration problem.

Mexican:  Un perro que habla es mejor que jackass Trump, ¿eh? (A talking dog is better than that jackass Trump)

Translator:  We prefer your solution to Donald Trump’s.

Oscar:  Thank you for your time and remember to vote for Oscar for Pleasandent.

MacIntosh:  They can’t vote.  They’re from Mexico.

Oscar: Huh?  They cant’s vote?

MacIntosh:  Nope.  Not in our elections.

Oscar:  That’s OK.  It was worth coming anyway.

MacIntosh:  Why do you say that?

Oscar:  Cuz I learns something new.

MacIntosh:  ???

Oscar:  Quesadillos is just as good as pizza.

Guns

Oscar:  We have with us today a guy that is…well, let’s say he really, really, really likes guns.

MacIntosh:  We promised anonymity so that he could speak freely

Oscar:  So we is just gonna call him Ammo.  Welcome Ammo.

Ammo:  So what can I do for you little targets?

MacIntosh:  Yikes.  We are trying to understand how you feel about guns.

Oscar:  Yeah, we wanna know what gives you ticks.

MacIntosh:  Makes you tick.

Oscar:  Zactly.  So how many guns do you have?

Ammo.  463.

Oscar:  ‘Scuse me?

Ammo:  463.  Plus a drone, a bazooka, an anti-aircraft gun,  an Abrams tank and a computer aided sniper set-up.

MacIntosh:  That is a lot of guns.

Oscar:  Howse come you need to have so many guns.

Ammo:  I don’t.

MacIntosh:  Why then?

Ammo:  Because Obama.

Oscar:  Obama?

Ammo:  Each time the gun manufacturers have warned Obama is coming to take our guns I go buy more guns.

MacIntosh:  You think Obama is coming for your guns?

Ammo: Yes I do.

MacIntosh:  Is losing your guns your biggest fear?

Ammo:  No.  My biggest fear is that after I die my wife will sell them for what I told her I paid for them.

Oscar:  I’s never heard President Obama talk about taking away guns.

Ammo:  Are you calling me and the gun manufacturers a liar?

MacIntosh:  Not really.  The gun manufacturers had a financial reason to lie to you.  You were just a chump.

Oscar:  That’s not very nice MacIntosh.

Ammo:  Yeah.  Lets keep it civil here.

MacIntosh:  Sorry.  If Obama decided to take your guns how do you think he might do it?  Would he pass a new law?

Ammo:  No we got that covered.  The NRA owns congress.

Oscar:  Howse then.  Woulds he order the army guys?

Ammo:  I guess I don’t know little fellas.

MacIntosh:  Chump.

Oscar:  Is you worried about the guns violence.

Ammo:  Guns don’t kill people…people do.

MacIntosh:  Let me restate then.  Are you concerned that people with guns are able to kill and injure a lot more people than they would any other way?

Ammo:  No.  What we need are more guns.

Oscar:  Sos if everybody had guns peoples wouldn’t use guns?

MacIntosh:  Do you really believe that?

Ammo:  No.  I just like to say it.

Oscar:  Does it make you feels better?

Ammo:  Yeah.  You know why?

MacIntosh:  Because you really, really, really love guns?

Ammo:  Exactly.

The Boyz Interview The Pope

Oscar:  We’s got a big surprise for you today.

MacIntosh:  Yep.  We flew to Rome for an interview with Pope Francis.

Oscar:  Hello Poop.  Thanks for seeing us.  Love the red shoes.

Pope:  Why do you call me poop?

Oscar:  Cuz them republicans treated you like shit.

Pope:  No kidding.  Did you boys have a nice flight?

Oscar:  Is you jokin’?  It was awful.

Pope:  Flew coach?

MacIntosh:  Flew crate in cargo.

Pope:  Oh my.

Oscar:  I gotta say Poop, you is a lot thinner than I thought.

Pope:  Really?  Why?

Oscar:  Wells, you live in a place called the Fatican.

Pope:  It’s called the Vatican.

Oscar:  Oops. Sorry.

MacIntosh:  What has been your biggest challenge as Pope?

Oscar:  Was it when you asked peoples to thinks about climate change?

Pope:  No.  That was easy.  The proof that climate change is real is overwhelming.  I want ordinary people, without a money agenda, to consider the scientific evidence.

MacIntosh:  Was your biggest challenge when you called for an economic system that distributed wealth more equally?

Pope:  No.  Jesus fed the multitudes and had a strong distaste for greedy people.  He said, “what you do for the least of men you do for me.”

Oscar:  Was it when you decided to eats with the homeless peoples instead of the congress peoples?

Pope:  Oh heavens no.  Would you want to eat anywhere near Louie Gohmert?

MacIntosh:  Uh…no.  Well then…what has been your biggest challenge?

Pope:  Eating anywhere.

Oscar:  I can helps you there.  I is an expert on that subject. What seems to be the trouble?

Pope:  It’s these damn white robes.  You have no idea what it’s like to eat without getting stuff all over the robes.

MacIntosh:  We may have some idea.

Oscar:  Yeah cuz we is white too.  My advice is to dig in and let the pasta sauce fall where God intended.

Pope:  But what a mess.  People will be upset.

MacIntosh:  They may consider you with dis-stain?

Pope:  Exactly.

Oscar:  I gots a question about abortion.

Pope:  The Bible says thou shall not kill.

Oscar:  But we kills little lambs and chickens and little veals.

Pope:  Well that’s OK Oscar.  We are not supposed to kill people.

MacIntosh:  What does the Bible say about when life begins.

Pope:  Life begins when the egg is fertilized.

MacIntosh.  Women discharge fertilized eggs all the time.

Pope:  That is God’s will.

Oscar:  Hoelee Moelee!  So Gods is doin’ abortion then?

MacIntosh:  Planned Parenthood looks pretty good in comparison.

Pope:  Human life begins when the egg becomes viable…which means it attaches to the womb.

Oscar:  I understands what you mean.  Where in the Bible does it say that zactly?

Pope:  (confers with advisers) We’ll have to get back to you on that.

MacIntosh:  Ok then.  Thank you for the interview.

Pope:  Bless you my sons.

Oscar:  (as they are leaving) That’s was weird.  He said bless you and wes didn’t even sneeze.

 

Oscar For Pleasadent

Oscar:  There you is.  I needs some feedbag.

MacIntosh:  Feedback???

Oscar:  Zactly.  I  is learnin’ to talk like a politician.

MacIntosh:  Watched the GOP debates did you?

Oscar:  Yep.  So here goes.  “I hates Mexicans and we should put them all on busses or boxcars and stop them from Dreamin’.

MacIntosh:  Why do you feel that way?

Oscar:  Cuz…cuz… I donts feel that way.  ‘Cept Chihuahas.  That’s just the way politicians talk.

MacIntosh:  Of course.  Maybe you should try a different one.

Oscar:  Oks.  “We needs to deports all 11,000,000 peoples working here illegally.  And we needs to build a gazillion foot tall wall” … I’s got a question MacIntosh.

MacIntosh:  What’s that?

Oscar:  Ifs 11 millions of peoples are working illegally didn’t 11 millions other people hire them illegally?

MacIntosh:  Yep.  You can’t have one without the other.

Oscar:  Then why don’t they arrest the peoples that hire people illegally?

MacIntosh:  Good question.  If we didn’t hire them they would not come.

Oscar:  Zactly.  That’s would be a lot cheaper than building a wall huh MacIntosh.

MacIntosh:  Yep.  What else you got?

Oscar: “That lady from Fox TV was mean to me cuz she is in season.”

MacIntosh:  Menstruating.

Oscar:  No this was a lady not a men.

MacIntosh:  I see.  Try another.

Oscar:  “ Ifs you will join me in hating Mexicans, Asians, Blacks, women and Gay people, we can Make America Great Again”.  Is that what made America great MacIntosh?

MacIntosh:   I don’t think so.  That kind of divisiveness makes us weaker.

Oscar:  I is gonna leave that out.

MacIntosh:  Good idea.

Oscar:  I gotta stop now.  Being a politician is makin’ me feels bad.

MacIntosh:  Maybe you should just be yourself.

Oscar:  But I loves everybody.  Who would vote for that?

MacIntosh:  Who knows.  Maybe you should give them a chance.

Oscar:  Could I gets some baseball caps and put my slogan on it?

MacIntosh:  What your slogan be?

Oscar:  “Make America Nice Again”

MacIntosh:  I like it.

Oscar:  I could talk about good stuff we could do.

MacIntosh:  Maybe you could win the whole thing.

Oscar:  And become Pleasadent Of These United States.

MacIntosh:  Exactly.

Diets

Oscar:  Dad is trying a new diet.

MacIntosh:  What’s it called?

Oscar:  The John Lennon Diet.  He took me with him to a group meeting last night.

MacIntosh:  What were they talking about?

Oscar:  All they were saying is “give peas a chance.”

MacIntosh:  Nice.

Oscar:  Will peas make you lose weight?

MacIntosh:  Depends on how big your bladder is.

Oscar:  Well it’s better than the last diet he tried.

MacIntosh:  The Irish Pub Diet?

Oscar:  Yep.  He was actin’ strange with that one.

MacIntosh:  In the first week he lost two days.

Oscar:  Yep.  Do you think I should go a diet MacIntosh?

MacIntosh:  Which one?

Oscar: Is was thinkin’ maybe the Italian Diet.

MacIntosh:  What’s in it?

Oscar:  Pizza.  Lots of pizza.

MacIntosh:  Maybe you should try the West Highland White Terrier Diet.  It’s popular in Scotland.

Oscar:  That sounds good.  What’s in it?

MacIntosh:  You can only eat haggis but you can have all of it you want.

Oscar:  Buts howse will I lose weight?

MacIntosh:  Have you ever tasted haggis?

Oscar:  Nope.

MacIntosh:  Trust me…you will lose lots of weight.

Oscar:  Mom says I’m not fat I just gots big bones.

MacIntosh:  Dinosaurs had big bones.  Things didn’t work out well for them.

Oscar:  Do elfants have big bones?

MacIntosh:  Yep but they have a trunk to help them move them around.

Oscar:  And them has big ears too.

MacIntosh:  What does that have to do with anything?

Oscar:  What does having a trunk have to do with anything?

MacIntosh:  Touche.  Well I think you’re perfect just the way you are.

Oscar:  I is?

MacIntosh:  Yep.  When I look at you I think you look just right.

Oscar:  What does you thinks when you look at Dad?

MacIntosh:  Yikes.  Hoelee Moelee.  Oh boy.  Take your pick.  What do you think?

Oscar:  I thinks he should give peas a chance.

 

Cat Videos

Oscar:  I think somethin’s wrong with Mom.

MacIntosh:  Why do you say that?

Oscar:  She keeps watching cat videos.

MacIntosh:  Kitty Porn?

Oscar:  Yup.  Cats jumping into boxes, cats falling off of tables, cats riding Roomba vacuum cleaners, cats doin’ all sorts of stupid stuff.

MacIntosh:  Oh my.

Oscar:  Yup and she watches lots of videos where two different animals are good buddies.

MacIntosh:  Like me and you.

Oscar:  Nope.  Like a horse and a dog.  Or a goat and a donkey.  Or a monkey and an elfant or whatever they is called.

MacIntosh:  Sounds serious.

Oscar:  Yup.  Next thing you know she’s gonna come up with somethin’ like an alligator and a miniature pig.

MacIntosh:  Why does that bother you?

Oscar:  Cuz it’s not natural.  Some them things like to eats each other.

MacIntosh:  Maybe Mom would like a video of you palling around with a pizza.

Oscar:  Zactly.  I could say “Hi Mom.  Meet my good friend Mr. Pizza”

MacIntosh:  What’s his first name.

Oscar:  Pepperoni.  I calls him Peps.

MacIntosh:  What’s your favourite thing about Peps?

Oscar:  He’s extra large.

MacIntosh: What is your least favorite thing?

Oscar:  Sometimes he gets kinda cheesy.

MacIntosh:  Like Dad?

Oscar:  Yup.

MacIntosh:  What would you like to do with Mr. Pizza?

Oscar:  Have him over for dinner.

MacIntosh:  Oh boy.

Oscar:  So why’s do you thinks Mom likes them videos so much?

MacIntosh:  They confirm her world view.

Oscar:  Huh?

MacIntosh:  She believes every heart can connect with every heart.

Oscar:  But everything has a heart.

MacIntosh:  Exactly.  Everything’s connected.

Oscar:  But what about when peoples fight with each other?

MacIntosh:  She thinks that is disheartening.

Oscar:  So theys is not living in their heart but are somewhere else?

MacIntosh:  Yep.  Their hearts get closed by things like fear or anger or resentment.  Hearts are meant to be open.

Oscar:  Cuz that’s natural huh MacIntosh.  But I don’t thinks that true with me and Mr. Pizza.

MacIntosh:  No?

Oscar:  Cuz you can’t have your mate and eat it too.

MacIntosh Sees The Light

Oscar:  Well, there you is.  I’s been lookin’ all over for ya.

MacIntosh:  Sorry Oscar.  I had to go away.

Oscar:  Where did you go.

MacIntosh:  There was this bright white light.

Oscar:  How bright?

MacIntosh:  Very bright.

Oscar:  Like bright, bright , bright or maybe just bright, bright?

MacIntosh: (sigh) Like bright, bright, bright, bright.

Oscar: Hoelee Moelee.  Sos what did you do?

MacIntosh:  I went towards the light.

Oscar:  Is you crazy?  Weren’t you scared?

MacIntosh:  Nope.  I felt very peaceful inside…like maybe I was part of the light too.

Oscar:  I don’t thinks I could be part of a light.

MacIntosh:  Why not?

Oscar:  Not bright enough.

MacIntosh:  Oh Oscar, you’re much brighter than you think.

Oscar:  I Is?

MacIntosh: Yep

Oscar:  Howse come you never told me that before?

MacIntosh:  Because it was more fun to keep it secret.

Oscar:  So did you become part of the light?

MacIntosh:  Sure did.  It’s like surfing an electric rainbow wave.

Oscar:  That sounds like fun.  Is there pizza there?

MacIntosh:  Nope.  You don’t even think about food.

Oscar:  Watchatalkinabout MacIntosh?

MacIntosh:  Just not an issue.

Oscar:  Whats about ice cream?

MacIntosh:  Nope.

Oscar:  So what do you do all day?

MacIntosh:  Flow

Oscar:  Is there anyone to flow with?

MacIntosh:  Most of the time I hang out with my very best friend.

Oscar:  Whos that?

MacIntosh:  You.

Oscar:  Me?

MacIntosh:  And Dad and Mom

Oscar:  I don’t thinks Dad knows how to surf.  But he’s good at making waves.  He fell in the ocean last week and the Chinese stock market was under water for three days.

MacIntosh:  That’s funny Oscar.

Oscar:  Really?  Maybe I can get on the Jimmy Kennel Show

MacIntosh:  Kimmel…Jimmy Kimmel.

Oscar:  I like Kennel better

MacIntosh:  Kennel it is then.

Oscar:  Sos whats you want to talk about now?

MacIntosh:  Maybe we can talk later.  Right now I feel the flow calling.

Oscar:  Buts what if I can’t find you agains.

MacIntosh:  You need to know where to look.

Oscar:  Buts I looked everywhere MacIntosh.  Inside the house…outside the house…in the garden and all over the golf course.

MacIntosh:  You need to look inside your heart.

Oscar:  That’s where you’ll be?

MacIntosh:  Always.

God Goes 0 For 4

Oscar:  Hellos everybody.  Wes got a special treat for you today.

MacIntosh:  Yep…we’re interviewing God.

Oscar:  And if yous don’t know it already, God don’t do a lot of interviews.

MacIntosh:  So it is our pleasure to introduce to you someone you all know….

Oscar:  You may call him God…

MacIntosh: or Allah, or Yahweh…

Oscar: or The Big Guy in the Sky…

MacIntosh:  Welcome…… God

God:  Hi boys….cough….cough…cough.

Oscar:  Whatchadoin’ God?

God.:  Just putting out this burning bush before we get started.  You should have told me this was a non-smoking area.

Oscar:  We thoughts you was all-knowing all that stuff.

MacIntosh:  So….God.  People are confused.  Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, Perry and Santorum all say you told them they were supposed to be the next President.  So you are 2 for 4 at best and maybe 0 for 4.  How can that be?

Oscar: Yeah that’s not very good results considerin’ yous God and everything.

God:  You two are quoting politicians like what they say happened…  actually happened?

MacIntosh:  Good point.  Let’s back up…did you tell Cain, Bachmann, et al that they would be the next President?

God:  I did mention that to Herman Cain.

Oscar:  You told Squirmin Herman he was gonna win?

God.:  Well yes….I wanted him to run so he would  be especially humiliated when the world learned what a scum bag he is to women.

MacIntosh:  So you made their vengeance your vengeance?

God:  Vengeance is always mine.

Oscar:  Sayeth you.  Whats about Rick Perry?

God:  I told him to run.  I didn’t tell him he would win.

MacIntosh:  Oops.

Oscar:  That’s funny God.

God:   Thanks little fella.

MacIntosh:  What about Michelle Bachmann….did you tell her to run?

God:  No.

Oscar:  So she just lied and made it up?

God:  You sound surprised.

MacIntosh:  Good point.   So is Santorum your pick then?

God:  Are you kidding me?  We have a special place in heaven reserved for Santorum.

Oscar:  Is it a nice place?

God:  That boy is going to spend eternity naked, on all fours, cleaning the floors at one of our gay bath houses.

Oscar:  Howse come you let him win inIowa?

God:  We wanted him to get accustomed to coming from behind.

MacIntosh:  Heaven has gay bath houses?

God:  Of course.

Oscar:  So if its not Cain…and its not any of them others…who is you gonna pick?

God:  I already made my pick…the same guy I been going with all season….but I don’t think he’s going to go for it.

Oscar:  The Donald?

God:  (God makes an exasperated face) No.  Tim Tebow.